Sailing
by Rose G
Summary: Gandalf's thoughts as he leaves Middle Earth behind him forever. Please r/r


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Sailing

Rose G

Disclaimer - These characters are all the property of Tolkien, and I have made no money from using them. 'Sailing' belongs to Rod Stewart.

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I am sailing, I am sailing 

Home again, 'cross the Sea

I am sailing stormy waters

To be near you, to be free.

~~~Sailing, Rod Stewart~~~

Gandalf looked back at the fast vanishing coast of Middle Earth, feeling the world he had known slipping away beneath the Straight Road into the Vanished West as the winds no longer tugged at his hair and the ship no longer tossed and rolled in the swell of the sea. Beside him, his great grey stallion nosed at him and he rubbed Shadowfax's muzzle absently while willing his emotions not to show on his face.

'Leave it out, Shadowfax. Go and see Elrond or Frodo or someone. Leave me alone.' The horse looked at him, shaking his dished head in the disdainful manner that all the _mearas* _were capable off before walking away. Gandalf watched the stallion stride away, clean legs striking the wooden decking with an echoing sound and almost smiled when Frodo raised a hand to the horse and patted him. _Does he not realise that Shadowfax could trample him without even noticing? _

Having been momentarily distracted by Shadowfax, the White Wizard glanced through the twilight which seemed strangely silvery and realised that Middle Earth had gone from his view. An almost unbearable sense of loss swept over him; he rested his head on the rails of the _Entulesse_* and swallowed hard. He'd never felt a loss, a grief like this before, even when the sea had separated him from the girl he had loved so many years ago. And that parting had not been permanent because he knew they would meet again some day, whereas he would never be able to go back to Middle Earth.

Elrond walked over to him, and Gandalf turned to him. 'You have spent almost three Ages in Middle Earth, Elrond. I came at the start of the Third Age; long ago though that was and leaving the World made Round breaks my heart. How could you endure this, leaving Arwen behind as well?'

'Because I must, Gandalf. The power of the Three Rings ended when Frodo threw the One Ring into Mount Doom, and since that day, to those of us who remember the Eldar days, the world seems old and grey. I leave because there is nothing to keep me there any longer - my sons will follow me eventually and Arwen has chosen to be numbered against the Second Born, so what point is there of staying to see the final destroying of all that I held so dear? And, if you are honest, would you wish to see the day when no Elf walks in Middle Earth, the day when the Dwarves are no more, the Hobbits live a life of fear while Men rule Adara, and truth becomes legend, then legend becomes myth and all we have loved is forgotten?'

'Your old prejudices about Men have not changed have they, Elrond?' _His brother may have chosen to be mortal but Elrond would never change his mind. I am surprised on the whole that he even spoke to Bilbo that time. _

'Man is weak, Gandalf. I was there when the strength of man failed, dooming the whole of Middle Earth to war and strife. When Isildur failed, I was standing alongside him and in that moment, I knew that Man was weaker than I had ever thought. And if he had been stronger that day, many lives would have been saved, and maybe I would not have lost Arwen. Man has much to answer for, and at least, there are few mortals overseas.' 

'I was ever fond of mortals, Elrond. They were the ones I spent so long with and without them, even Valinor shall seem barren and wasted. Although Frodo and Bilbo are coming with me, there are so many in the Shire, in Gondor itself and even in Rohan that I love and a life without them will not be a life to enjoy. Aragorn was a dear friend, and I feel his lose keenly.'

Elrond rolled his eyes, running one hand over his braided hair that was faintly touched with grey. _It is as though the Lord of Rivendell has lingered in mortal lands too long; that should please him_, Gandalf thought with a slight grin. 'Me, also, Gandalf, for I raised him as my son and although he is mortal, I loved him as one of my own. But is there not also the beauty of Valinor to look forward to, and the meting again of those who have gone overseas before us?'

Despairing of making the Elven Lord understand the agony of leaving behind him all that he had known he strode over to Shadowfax and Frodo. They were standing alongside each other as they stared out over sea towards Middle Earth. Behind them, Galadriel was watching the blue-grey water slip by, her blonde hair blowing behind her, although there was no wind that Gandalf could feel. She smiled at him, waved him to join her but instead, he slipped one arm around Shadowfax's neck, ignoring Frodo completely. 

The Hobbit looked up at Gandalf, his small face trusting even though Gandalf's face was bleak enough to make most Orcs and Balrogs think twice about staying in the area. 'Hello, Gandalf. I've not seen much of you on this journey. Have you been deliberately keeping away from me?' 

Ashamed of himself, Gandalf did not reply; rather he turned away more from Frodo pretending to remove a tangle from Shadowfax's mane. 'Gandalf, is anything wrong?'

Gandalf shook his old head. _Is there any way of making them understand? To Frodo Valinor is but another country and he will see his friends again one day for his life is not that of the Eldar; to Elrond it is his home; Shadowfax thinks that he is being shipped to a battleground. _

'Gandalf?'

I_ long to reach Valinor again, maybe more than I wish to stay in Middle Earth, but neither choice is going to bring me happiness. How I wish that I could stay in Middle Earth, to see Gondor raise to its old glory under Aragorn's rule and to see the Shire restored. How I wish to see Valinor again, and see all those who have gone before to my homeland. _ 'There is nothing wrong, Frodo.' 

Mearas* - The great horses of Rohan, who carried only the King of the Mark, descended from Eorl's white horse that understood human speech, although one legend says that their sire was originally brought from Valinor. 

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Entulesse* - Return, the name of a ship of Numenor which I borrowed. Seemed appropriate because Gandalf had been in Valinor before. 'Olorin I was in my youth, that is forgotten' and the Silmarillion says that Olorin was a Maiar, so he would have lived in Valinor.

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End file.
